


Strength

by mmorana



Category: Dragon Age, Dragon Age: Origins
Genre: Angst, F/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-02-02
Updated: 2013-10-19
Packaged: 2017-11-27 23:28:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 8,520
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/667687
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mmorana/pseuds/mmorana
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The blight is over, Alistair is king and Alyssa Cousland is about to leave Denerim to fulfill her destiny as Warden Commander. However getting over her love for Alistair and finding the strength to move on is harder then she thought.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Alyssa Cousland had always been sensible. While her friends were busy centering their lives around finding a suitible husband she had been busy training with swords and learning how to be a proper warrior. The pleasantries and frump of life as a noble had never really settled with her, much to her mother's distress.

It had saved her life on several occasions, and was one of the main reasons she had managed to survive the blight in the first place. "So where is your sensibility now?" she asked herself aloud, watching the tears roll down her swollen red face. "Crying over a boy? Pathetic." She cursed her weakness, she cursed Alistair and mostly she cursed the fact that she no longer knew who she was.

Only a few years ago boys had thrown themselves at her on a daily basis, and she had occasionally taken some of them to bed but none of them had ever been more then that. A dime a dozen' was how she always described the noble boys who so heavily sought her hand, there were plenty of them and they were easiliy replacable. So what happened? What happened to the girl who didn't care when boys came and went? She wasn't there tonight. She had been replaced by this sniveling excuse for a cousland facing her in the mirror.

The tears stopped coming and Alyssa quickly realized it wasn't because she felt any better but simply because she was drained. She let out a muffled giggle at the thought of running her body dry of water from all the crying. The crying she had promised herself would cease. Oh the face her father would make if he could see her now, his little troublemaker of a daughter upset over a silly boy. He would probably be happy. He had tried so hard to marry her off and she had resisted at every turn, if Howe's men had not attacked she had no doubt he would have given her to the first noble man who caught his fancy. He had threatned to do it enough times, she could hear his voice in her head now, _Alyssa if you don't choose a boy soon I am going to hold a raffle and you'll be the wife of whoever's name I choose._

He had never done it of course and she was positive he never would. Each time a Lord would send his son her father would always express hope that perhaps she would like this one. But she had never taken to any of the boys that came around Highever, not really. They had always been weak or pompus or worse, bad at fighting. She could never see herself with someone who couldn't hold his own in a fight. Alistair had been the only one who ever held her heart, and the only one who had enough of her to crush it to pieces.

There was a soft knock on the door and a nervous voice came from the other side, "My lady? Arl Eamon would like to know if you will be joining him for dinner?" Alyssa rolled her eyes, this was becoming routine, every night a servant would come to invite her to dinner and every night she would politely refuse and come up with some excuse. She wasn't sure Eamon was ever aware of what Alyssa and Alistair had but she was sure that he knew whatever it was was over.

Wether this was his attempt to ensure that she would maintain a healthy relationship with the crown once she was officially warden commander she wasn't sure, but it was beginning to be a bit annoying. "Tell the Arl thank you but I still do not feel well enough, I am going to call it an early night." She heard the footsteps soften and eventually fade as the servant left and she blew out the candle and climbed into bed.

Tommorow she would officially recieve the title of Warden Commander and leave for the city of Amaranthine to take her place as Arlessa and begin rebuilding the warden order. Tommorow she would leave Alistair and depart the capital alone. Tears came back and fell heavily down her face and she closed her eyes giving in to her pain. _Tommorow_ , she promised herself, _the crying **WILL** come to an end._


	2. Chapter 2

Alyssa awoke drenched in sweat, gasping for air and shaking She had the same nightmare she had been having every night for almost two years. A hard knock came at her door and she heard Nathaniel's voice on the other side, "Commander? Alyssa are you ok? I'm coming in." Alyssa took a deep breath and tried to wipe some of the sweat off before pulling her blanket up to cover the top of her nightgown. Nathaniel appeared in front of her in a tunic and loose pants, hair askew and sword in hand, an adorable worried look on his face. "Are you alright? I heard screams." She smiled her most assuring smile, "I'm fine, just a nightmare." He visibly relaxed and came closer, "Oh, i thought maybe you were being attacked or somehow a darkspawn had snuck it's way into your room." He looked at his frazzled appearance in her looking glass and blushed lightly. Alyssa smiled again, this time genuinely, "Sorry, I'm afraid it's nothing that exciting, just a case of the bad dreams." He frowned and sat on the end of her bed, "Same one as always?" "Yeah."

He set the sword down on the floor and stroked her leg comfortingly for a few minutes," Do you want to talk about it?" "Nothing to talk about really, bad dreams are kind of part of the gray warden package." He gathered his sword and stood, "Okay well I'm going back to bed, sorry to disturb you. See you tomorrow." He headed for the door but Alyssa called out right before he exited her room. "Nate?" He turned and looked at her, "Yes?" "Thanks." He bowed his head and left, closing the door behind him.

She sat up and ran her fingers through her hair. It had been over a year since she had been assigned Warden Commander and in that time she had not only delt with the architect and dwindled the darkspawn back into the depths but she had also earned good standing with those she served over, both gray wardens and members of the arling alike. Despite being terrified of her new position as warden commander at first her life had gone in an upward direction ever since she had left the castle and gotten away from….no. She wouldn't think about him now, not even his name. She had done her best to distance herself from that situation and getting upset over it would backtrack all the progress she had made. Not that he made it easy to avoid him, after a great number of his letters had been ignored the King had taken it upon himself to demand a gray warden representative stay perminitley in Denerim. She expected that he had assumed she would take that position however she had appointed a new recruit to it instead. She would have loved to see the King's face when he found out about it.

She had sucked in her pain, had stayed in his court and in his castle for a few months at Eamon's request. "Please," he had begged her in her room that morning,"I know things are strange between you and Alistair but getting used to his new position as King will be hard and scary to him. Having you here for just a little while will help smooth things along, just until he has his feet under him." Like a fool she had stayed, and if she was being honest with herself she probably would have even if Eamon hadn't asked. As hurt and mad as she was at Alistair a small very naive part of her held on to the idea that he might realize his mistake and beg her to take him back. Of course it hadn't happened, in fact Alistair said very little to her in her time there and after only three months she spotted him walking through the castle with another woman, a noble that Eamon had thrown on him to see if he could get a match. The second he saw her with him, laughing at his jokes, blushing at his words she had known it was time to leave, and her heart broke all over again at the realization that he had moved on so quickly and so easily without so much as a word about it to her.

The sun came through the window lightly and softly illuminated the room, shaking Alyssa from her thoughts. She put on a robe and left her room, maybe breakfast would cheer her up, although with the food the kitchen had been putting out lately she doubted it. Her main chef had only gathered enough coin to take him and his wife out of Ferelden and into the Free Marches somewhere. Hiring a new cook was on her seemingly never-ending list of things to do. The thought of all the items on that list made her head begin to throb and she was happy that when she entered the dining hall only the Seneshal was there to greet her. She smiled and sat across from him. He was reading an elegantly decorated paper of sorts, apparently concentrating very hard on whatever it was.

"What do you have there Varel? Please don't tell me I have to attend yet another noble party. Hobnobbing with nobles is one of the things I don't miss about my old life." He looked down at her with a solemn look that almost resembled pity and suddenly she dropped her smile, "Varel I was only teasing, of course I'll attend whatever my position requires of me." A few minutes of silence passed and when his mood didn't lighten she was sure he was going to give her another one of his lectures about her duties and responsibilities.

"I'm glad to hear you say that commander because it just so happens you won't be happy about this one." "Why, what is it this time?" he handed her the paper, "An invitation to the King's wedding."


	3. Chapter 3

Alyssa read over the invitation several times, the thought of attending Alistair's wedding still not sinking in. Part of her still thought It should have been her. Despite her best efforts she couldn't help but recount all the times at camp she had imagined what it could have been like had he chosen her for a wife, how Alistair could have proposed, what the wedding would have looked like. She pushed those thoughts back down and focused on the present. 

"Well you can write back and say I'm not going." Varel sighed, "Lady Cousland I would ask you to reconsider, it's important that you attend." Alyssa's temper surfaced, "I am no longer Lady Cousland I am Commander of the Gray and I have no reason to go to royal weddings unless of course you think the darkspawn might crash it." The seneschal shook his head, "You represent not only the order of wardens but the people of this arling, it's only fit that you be seen at this wedding Commander." She took a deep breath, took a second to calm down a little and handed the invitation to him, "I'll consider it but no promises." He nodded as if that was good enough and then left her alone with her thoughts. The sun was now coming heartily through the window and other wardens were filtering in slowly among them Nathaniel who upon spotting her came and sat down across the table.

"Commander, I take it you've recovered from whatever nightmares were plaguing you." She smiled at him, "Only because you scared them off this morning." He blushed, "Well, can I get you a plate of whatever…food, and I use that term loosely, is being served today." She shook her head as Nathaniel walked away towards the kitchen. Aiden, a newer recruit came and sat next to her handing her a stack of papers. "I've been going over the treaties like you asked and I've made it through two but I've made some revisions and notes for you to look over." He had only been a gray warden for a few months but already he had proven himself to be quite capable in more skills then just sword play. Varel had been pushing her to name a second and Aiden was looking like a contender for it, his leadership abilities had grown too and he often led training sessions with the younger recruits. Aiden may have been with them the least amount of time but due to him being the eldest son of a noble before he joined he had the most diplomatic and battle experience of most of her senior wardens. If he hadn't contracted the illness that led him to join the wardens he would have been a hell of a knight. Her fist instinct was to choose Nathaniel as her second in command however when she brought the idea to him he was reluctant, due to his family's actions during the blight he was hated and basically excommunicated from the nobility and preferred to play the supporting roles in the background rather then be in charge."Thank you I'll look over them when I get the chance," she pulled the stack closer to her and noticed he wasn't leaving.

"Is there something else I can do for you?" He looked nervous and she noticed his hands were shaking a bit, "Uhm, yeah…actually I was wondering who you were going to leave in charge when you go to Denerim." She looked at him startled, "How did you know about that? And besides I'm not sure if I'm even going yet." His eyes got wide and he started talking fast as though he believed himself to be in trouble, "Oh a royal courier came by last night and Logan, one of the other recruits said that it was probably to the kings wedding because his mother works for a noble who's going and," She put up her hand to stop him from rambling more - "Aiden it's fine and if i go I will have to think long and hard about who will take charge while I'm gone." He nodded and stood up, walking away from her as Nathaniel came back with two bowls of what looked to be very soupy oatmeal. 

"Whoa, what are those?" "Nothing just some treaties I am revising, listen can I ask you something?" He took a bite of his oatmeal and then, after making a disgusted face spit it back into the bowl, "If it's wether or not you should hire a new chef then my answer is a resounding yes." She laughed, "I'll get on it. Actually it's about the King's upcoming nuptials, I'm debating wether or not to go." He pushed the bowl away from him, "Why wouldn't you?" She thought about how to answer that, she hadn't told Nathanial, or anyone for that matter about her and Alistair's previous relationship. Of course there had been rumors but they had been just that, most people dismissed them and she denied the rest. In her two years the only people who knew about it were the members of her party at the time, whom all had witnessed both the beginning and the end of her and Alistair's love first hand. Eamon also knew of it and Alyssa was pretty sure had pushed Alistair to do it in the first place but other then that she had kept it to herself for the last two years.

"Well Denerim is a long way and I'm not really needed there, plus I have plenty to do here." He scoffed, "Alyssa the darkspawn are all but gone,the blight officially over, you could use a break from all of this anyway, when was the last time you took a vacation? Plus it could be fun, you know how all out they go for royal events like this." His words had merit, she had done nothing but fight since the moment Highever was attacked however watching Alistair get married seemed like a far throw from a real vacation. "You could even take a certain handsome archer you know," he said giving her his largest smile. The thought of having someone else go, especially an old friend like Nate did make the journey seem less frightening and more fun. "Okay. It's decided then, I'll go to the wedding and you will accompany me. I'll get the details from Varel and get back to you on when we need to leave." She got up, not bothering to eat any of the oatmeal, and left towards Varel's quarters.

"I take it you've made up your mind on whether or not to attend the wedding?" He asked as she walked in. "Yes, I have decided to go, I'm also taking Nathaniel with me." Varel looked deep in thought for a few minutes, "Are you sure that's wise? Remember who his father was and what he did, the nobles are not likely to have forgotten about it." She stood, "If you want me to go those are my terms. Either we both go or neither of us do." He conceded and smiled, "Chin up you might just have a good time, I heard since the Queen is Orlesian herself she is hiring a group of Orlesian entertainers and that they are remodeling part of the castle just for the festivities." She scoffed, "Well, Orlesians…Alistair's taste sure has fallen far." Varel smiled up at her and she smiled back, maybe, just maybe, this wasn't going to be as bad as she thought.


	4. Chapter 4

The next week flew by in a series of meetings with the seneschal getting everything ready for their trip and court sessions with the people of the arling trying to solve as many of their problems as she could before she left. Aiden had been present for all of it, shadowing her steps from dusk till dawn most days in order to get the hang of running things now that she had officially named him second in command. She knew he had a knack for leading but she found herself even more impressed with how quickly he was picking things up, it would give her one less thing to worry about if she knew the keep was in good hands. She had instructed Varel to watch and assist him of course, after all he still helped her a great deal in most matters and she had been doing this two years now. 

To her disappointment she had been so busy making sure everything was set for her trip that she didn't see Nathaniel at all. It had been surprising to her how much she missed his presence. Looking back, she realized she had seen him every day from the time he was willfully planning her assassination. Although their friendship had started off rocky he was one of the few things from her past she still had. Her family was gone save for her brother, the companions she made during the blight each had their own lives now, and of course her short lived relationship with Alistair had gone down in flames. 

At the beginning of the second week she had run out of things to occupy her time with and tried to find ways to curb her anxiousness about the trip. One afternoon she found herself in front of her mirror practicing what she would say to Alistair when she saw him again. "Congratulations Alistair, your bride is lovely." Her smile faltered and she tried again, only this time attempting a more sincere tone. "Alistair, congratulations, what a lovely bride." That didn't look or sound right either so she decided to let honesty takes its course. "Alistair, surprised to see me? I would be too. After all you told me you loved me and then as soon as you got the throne, which I gave to you by the way, you dumped me in front of all our friends." Suddenly, a noise behind her startled her and when she turned she saw Nathaniel standing awkwardly in the doorway.

"Sorry I dropped my mug," he said reaching down to pick it up off the floor. She wondered if he had been there long enough to hear what she had said but seeing as he made no effort to bring it up she decided to ignore the thought, enough real situations to worry about without theoretical ones bothering her too. "Need anything?" she said brightly. "No, just passing by, thought I'd say hello. Sorry to have disturbed you." He left quickly and she sighed walking over to her bed, she meant to simply sit for a moment but fell asleep for what must have been hours because when she awoke the sun was gone completely. She sat up and wondered what time it was when her stomach made a loud growl, "Some time after dinner then," she said to herself and stood to walk towards the kitchen. The cook would be gone and dinner service was probably long past but at the very least she could get some bread and cheese from the larder to hold her over until the morning.

She entered the dining hall to make her way to the kitchen when she heard voices and a loud laugh she recognized immediately. She turned to see Nathaniel, Aiden and two female recruits she couldn't name sitting at a table in the far corner drinking and playing cards. One of the women had her chair as close as possible to Nathaniel without being directly in his lap and was constantly brushing her arm against his. Suddenly and inexplicably irritated she walked over to them quietly, "And what's this?" she said making eye contact with said woman. Nathaniel physically jumped at her voice and the rest of them turned to her with surprised looks on their faces. "Just playing a bit of wicked grace commander, won't you join us?" Aiden said with a smile. She walked to a near by table and drug a chair over to position herself between Aiden and the other female warden. "This is Holly, and that over there by Nate is Adelide." They both nodded their heads politely and Aiden dealt her in. 

"So, all ready for your big journey commander? I myself haven't been to Denerim since I was a wee lad," Aiden said, placing a few coins in the center of the table. "Plus you'll get to see King Alistair, you'll like that." Alarms went off in Alyssa's head wondering what he knew and she spoke with a snappier tone then she meant to, "And what do you mean by that?" Aiden looked confused, "I heard you traveled together during the blight, I assumed he must've been a good friend, I apologize if I was wrong." Seeing the innocence on Aiden's face she tried to force a smile, "Of course we were, and yes I think we're quite ready for the journey aren't we Nate?" Nathaniel placed his bet in the center and tried to edge away from Adelide's attempt to somehow get closer to him, "Oh yes, it should be an uneventful journey, and royal weddings aren't all that exciting." "Oh because you've been to one?" Aiden teased and Nathaniel leaned in, "Actually I have. If you don't believe me you can ask Alyssa she was my date." Alyssa threw her cards on the table and folded as did Aiden, "Is it true commander?" Alyssa smiled thinking back on Cailan's wedding, "Oh yes, wore a fancy dress and danced the night away, Nathaniel there happens to be an excellent dancer." Nathaniel blushed, "As if you would know. You may have danced the night away but hardly with me, every man in that place wanted to spin you around the dance floor." His voice sounded annoyed and Alyssa wondered if she shouldn't have made the comment about his dancing, after all the other wardens were just now starting to accept Nate as a friend. When he first became a warden he was so angry all the time that he put people off and Alyssa certainly didn't want to contribute to putting him back in that state.

"So how about a drink?" Holly poured a glass and passed it over, "It's some sort of Antivan wine." Alyssa took a sip and almost choked it back up, it had been a while since she had anything to drink with this kind of alcohol content and she made a mental note to take it slow. After a few more hands Adelide and Holly called it a night leaving just her, Aiden and Nathaniel sitting around talking, their cards long forgotten. Aiden had asked her a question about the keep when her stomach made an embarrassingly loud noise reminding her how hungry she was. 

"I'll go to the larder and get some bread, I'm a bit nippish too," Aiden said standing and unevenly walking in the direction of the kitchen. Nathaniel topped his drink off, "So, think this wedding will be fun?" he looked at her intently as if he was trying to gauge her reaction. She smiled, "Doubt it. His soon-to-be wife is Orlesian after all so, you know." She took a huge gulp of her drink and smiled, "But I assure you this time I will dance with no one but you. After all, you do know you will have to dance don't you?" noticing a slight slur in her words she pushed her drink away and wished Aiden would hurry up with the bread. Nathaniel smiled and she felt a small heat rise in her, blaming it on the drink she ignored the feeling and just enjoyed the pleased expression on his face. "Of course, although I suspect that will be harder then you think. Your loveliness will attract all the men in the room and I shall have to beat them away with a stick." She blushed and sent a silent thank you to the maker when she heard Aiden's footsteps getting closer.

"I only found a bit of cheese and fruit but -" "That will be fine, I'm feeling awfully tired so I'm just going to take it in my room. Good night both of you, and thank you for the card game." She took the tray of food from Aiden's hands and walked away quickly not looking back. She was confused enough about her current feelings without adding new ones to the mix. She ate as fast as she could and climbed into bed, falling into a deep sleep and did not awake until Varel banged on her door the next morning.

"Commander, commander it's high time you were up if you want to begin your travel at a decent time, commander?" She groaned into her pillow, it had been a while since she had a hangover but they were just as unpleasant as she remembered them to be. What had possessed her to drink the night before she left to see her ex married? Stupidity. She called out to Varel that she was awake and got dressed in her traveling leathers, at least she had packed everything she needed for the trip a few days beforehand. She left her quarters and made her way to the dining hall where Nathaniel was waiting. Upon seeing her he waved for her to come over and passed her a bowl of oatmeal. "It might be cold, I expected you a few hours ago. Still can't hold your liquor eh?" She nipped at the oatmeal, "Suppose not, is everything ready? I'd like to leave when we're done with breakfast." "Yes, everything is packed on our horses all that's left to do is go." She finished her breakfast and then made for Aiden's room to make sure there wasn't anything left that he needed before she took off.

She entered his room without thinking to knock and saw him stretching in nothing but his trousers. She couldn't help but notice how the years of battle had sculpted his muscles, but she must have lingered too long for Aiden suddenly turned around. "Oh, commander, didn't hear you come in," he said although he didn't rush to put a shirt on. "Aiden, I apologize I should've knocked I just wanted to see if you needed anything before I left." His face looked sullen for a moment and he sat down on his bed, "Are you sure you really want to leave me in charge?" She shut the door and walked over sitting next to him. "I wouldn't do it if I wasn't sure that you were ready but you are, trust me. Plus we've already taken care of most of the darkspawn, the worst you will have to deal with is a straggler here or there, Varel will handle all the major Arling business." He still looked doubtful, "Aiden you are a -" she didn't get to finish her sentence as Aiden stood abruptly and kissed her. The moment seemed to linger for ever and yet at the same time was over in an instant. She looked at him wanting to ask why but her words wouldn't come, instead she just stared at him confused. "Have a safe trip commander." With that he put a shirt on and left the room leaving her alone with her questions unanswered.

Well, she thought to herself, that's an interesting start to the trip.


	5. Chapter 5

Alyssa saddled her horse and looked around at the wardens Nathaniel had chosen to bring with them. There was Logan, a mage healer who Alyssa got along with pretty well, Tobias and Matthew, two new recruits who had little use other then scouting or hunting and Kerrigan, a warrior from the Marches who, although being so arrogant most of the other wardens hated him was one of the best fighters and strategists they had. She mounted her horse and led the the group out, Nathaniel only steps away behind her and the rest bringing up the rear. Try as she might to think about anything else her mind kept wandering back to Aiden's unexpected kiss. It wasn't sweet as a kiss between lovers would be but nor was it cold like a brother giving his sister a peck on her cheek. She hadn't inadvertently sent any signals to him had she? She ran all their latest interactions through her mind but none of them rang flirtations to her. She certainly hadn't felt anything or had the urge to kiss him back in any sense, granted it had been a while since she had last kissed anyone. 

She must have had an intense look on her face or been quiet to long because Nathaniel quickened his horse's pace until he was aside her and cleared his throat. "Something wrong commander?" She shook her head and looked over at him, "No, sorry, just focusing on the road ahead," she lied. "I see," he said apparently unconvinced. "Well it should be a rather boring one, I've charted the course to take us into Denerim on the east side, we should be trotting through farm land and valleys until halfway when we can stop by Cabeau to resupply before making the final stretch." "Sounds good to me." A comfortable silence fell for the most part of the day after that with just pieces of small talk breaking it every now and then. Before she knew it the sun was drooping in the sky and after sending Toby and Matthew to scout they made camp for the night, Alyssa taking the first watch.

Staring into the fire she thought about all the times she had spent in camp during the blight. Staying late into the night singing with Leliana or drinking with Oghren or laying in the arms of…she threw a stick into the fire and took a deep breath. She was stronger then this, who still moped after a man after two years? "Mind if I join you?" Nathaniel asked sitting beside her. "Of course not, although you might want to get sleep since you're next watch." He gathered some leaves and crinkled them in his hand "I'll be okay. Listen, do you mind if I ask you a question." She smiled, happy to have a distraction from her memories, "Sure, ask away." He opened his mouth a few times but it was a few minutes before he actually spoke, "What was the king to you? And don't say just a friend, I heard what you said the other day into your mirror and I've heard the rumors." 

She looked at the ground, _so not quite the distraction you were hoping_ , "You're not one to believe rumors are you?" He looked directly at her, unamused by her efforts to move around his question. "Fine, but this doesn't go beyond us, no wardens are to hear of it." He nodded his head and she thought of the best way to explain it. "When I joined the wardens there were thousands of us but after Loghain's treachery Alistair and I were the only two. We relied on each other, traveled with each other, were all each other had for over a year, all the while the weight of stopping the blight on our shoulders and eventually it just grew into…something more." "You fell in love?" he asked in a voice so low it was little more then a whisper. "Yes, and we were foolish enough to believe that him being Maric's bastard, that the blight and civil war brewing wouldn't matter, that we would be together forever through all of it. Of course it didn't happen that way." She wiped a straggling tear away and sighed, "When he became king he ended it, I couldn't provide an heir due to me being a warden and as the King he had a duty to Ferelden so it all just fell apart."

They both were silent for a time after that, Alyssa staring into the fire thinking back on the days when she believed her and Alistair were somehow going to make it and Nathaniel sitting next to her with a contemplative look on his face. "I was naive, I held onto the belief that he loved me enough to make it work," she gave a dry laugh, "that he would just say duty be damned, I love her and she will be my queen no matter what anyone thinks or what tradition says." She realized she was starting to lose control of her emotions so she closed her eyes for a moment and tried to reel herself back in. "So was it the riveting story you hoped it would be?" Nathaniel scoffed, "All that story showed me was that the king is the biggest idiot in all of Thedas." She actually smiled, "You're just saying that because you feel bad for me. And anyway, he was sweet, what he did wasn't wrong he did have a duty as king after all I just…" she looked into the fire again. "Well that story did show me one other thing," he said, a completely serious look on his face as he stared into her eyes. Her heart quickened and she found herself staring back just as intently. "Rumors are sometimes way more exciting then he truth." She giggled and elbowed him, "I'm serious, in one of them I heard tell that you two had a child and sacrificed it to the archdemon to end the blight." She laughed loudly and heard a "keep it down" from somewhere else in the camp. "Well, thanks for telling me the truth, and don't worry, I'll keep it to myself except for my twenty closest friends." He stood to leave, "Wake me when my watch is up." She nodded and smiled, Nathaniel had opened up to her so much over the last few months and come such a long way from the brooding cold statue of a man he was when she first found him in the dungeons. 

The next week of the journey proved uneventful and besides the occasional wolf attack Alyssa found herself taken aback by how smoothly the trip was going. She also found her and Nathaniel were reconnecting through the night time conversations which had become routine. Each night he would sit with her during her watch and talk to her until it was his turn, and although she protested several times telling him that he needed his sleep he always refused. He had been her brother in arms for two years and yet somehow she had gotten to know more about him through this trip then their previous time in the keep. It was nice to regain him as a confident. She had thought with all the death and war between them they would be unable to attain the friendship they had shared in their youth but she was wrong. 

The closer they got to Denerim the more she dreaded what was waiting for her there. She had no idea how she was going to feel seeing Alistair again since she hadn't in fact seen him in person except for a short visit when she first took the keep. On their last day before they were due to stop in a small village for resupply she found herself deep in thought about what she would say to the king when they arrived. Should she play the role of scorned ex-lover and treat him with disdain or would she rather smile and act like nothing had happened? The smell of something burning pulled her from her thoughts and she sighed, " Logan, I've told you, you've got to stop burning bushes along the way, we're all bored but these lands belong to someone you just can't -" "I'm not doing anything" Logan interrupted. "I smell it to," Nathaniel said, and began looking around to try and locate it's source. "Look, in the distance," Matthew yelled from the back and they all turned. Smoke was rising in huge quantities and some flames could be seen a few miles east. "It's Cabeau," Nathaniel said hoarsely, "It's burning."


	6. Chapter 6

They raced towards the burning village as fast as their horses would take them however by the time they reached it most of it had been burned to ash and there was little to do but help the villagers put out the last of the flames. Logan took charge of healing any injured villagers and Tobias and Matthew helped the mayor do a headcount and started to assess the damages. Alyssa noticed Nathaniel standing in the town square looking around with a solemn look on his face and walked over. "Do they know yet if anyone was killed?" he said quietly. She shook her head, "They are still doing a count of all the villagers but we should know soon." He nodded and continued to look around, "This is nothing but a small boating village, the people here make boats and work the royal lakes, what cause would someone have to burn it down?" "Not someone, something," came Kerrigan's voice from behind, they turned to face him.

"I've found these," he threw what appeared to be three darkspawn blades at their feet. "Darkspawn? In enough of a number to burn down a village? And why would they travel this close to Denerim?" Alyssa mused. Nathaniel leaned down to better inspect the weapons, "This town is full of lumber and there has been in a dry spell recently, it wouldn't take much to ignite the whole thing." The more Alyssa thought about it the more disturbed she became, although it wasn't unusual for small numbers of darkspawn to wander after the main horde had disbanded, but they had yet to be seen in this area since the Archdemon was killed. "Kerrigan, take me to where you found these blades." He started into town to a house all the way in the back that seemed much more burnt then the rest of the homes in the village. " I figure this is where they started the fire since it's so much worse off then the rest, in there is where I found the swords and a great deal of blood. Looks like darkspawn work to me."

The house was almost completely ash except for part of two walls and pieces of a staircase that were burnt almost to a crisp but still standing. She entered what remained of the structure and began to look around. Dried blood was everywhere, covering most of the remaining walls and anything that wasn't black with dust and ash was a deep red. There were two more swords present in the rubble that was once the foundation of the home. She looked around for corpses but any darkspawn that were still present must have burned in the fire and with most of the house in pieces in front of them it would have been tedious to sort out anything, let alone pick apart darkspawn bones from the rest of the wreckage. "Whats this," she heard Nathaniel ask as he picked up a small bloodstained dagger with a dark blue hilt containing a silver mockingbird on it. "An Orlesian sword," Kerrigan said as he took the dagger from Nathaniel and turned it over in his hands examining it. "Haven't seen one of these in ages, saw a great deal of them during the war, fancy Orleasian type." "He must have been a collector," Alyssa said noticing the burnt body in the corner for the first time, she walked over and kicked the pieces of the wall that had landed on it. "Definitely not darkspawn, whoever this poor fellow was he didn't survive the fire."

Once they had checked the majority of the houses and buildings and were convinced there wasn't any more immediate darkspawn threat to the villagers Alyssa made the call for the wardens to pack their things and make camp on the outer edges of the village. As usual she took first watch, wanting a chance to think on the day. She ran her hands over the small dagger thinking back to her father's collection of swords. "Are you sure you want to leave in the morning?" Nathaniel sat down next to her, "We could stretch this investigation out until, let's say, just after the king's wedding." She smiled, "Please, I do have some pride, the only thing worse then showing up would be not showing up." He smiled at her, she was really getting used to the way his face looked when he smiled, liking it even. Realizing she was staring she cleared her throat and turned her gaze back to the fire, "Although I am going to dispatch a message to Aiden to have him send a convoy to look into it."

He cleared his throat, "I'm surprised you left that kid in charge, bit of a spoiled git if you ask me." She surprised herself by laughing at this, quietly at first but then almost maniacally, Nathaniel joined in at the end. "He kissed me you know," she blurted out without thinking. Nathaniel's face went from smiling to serious in an instant, "He what?" She giggled again thinking about how ridiculous of a kiss it was, "Kissed me. Out of the blue, right before we left, then went about his business as if it was a typical goodbye." Nathaniel let out a what sounded like a snarl, "Like I said, spoiled pretty boy with no respect for his superiors. You're his commander for Maker's sake, he can't just go around kissing his commanding officers." Alyssa noticed that he seemed actually upset about it and decided to try to diffuse his mood quickly, Nathaniel had a temper that could rival his fathers. "I should hope not, then he would be locking lips with you next." He looked down at her with what could only be described as a scowl, "Oh, think it's funny do you? Him kissing his commander, kissing you, of course you do you went and shagged the king of Ferelden without giving it a second thought." Tears filled into her eyes and she could feel herself on the verge of releasing them, "Excuse me?" He scoffed, "Honestly Alyssa, you're a noblewoman I would think you knew better." With that he stood and stomped into the woods leaving Alyssa alone, confused, and more than a little hurt.


	7. Chapter 7

The morning was spent in complete silence. Wether it was because the rest of the camp could sense her foul mood or just due to sheer exhaustion from the day before she didn't know but Alyssa was grateful for it all the same. They ate a quick breakfast, packed up their rolls and headed towards Denerim all without anyone saying a single word. Nathaniel offered no apology for his behavior the previous night which was good since Alyssa was in no mood to hear one. _You shagged the king of Ferelden without giving it a second thought_. Just thinking about what he had said set her on edge. As if he was in any position to judge her. The sound of someone clearing their throat brought her back to the present and she turned to see that Kerrigan had quickened his pace so he was alongside her. He was pursing his lip and looking around as if weighing if he should break the silence.

"Something I can help you with Kerrigan?" He looked up at her and nodded, "Yeah Commander, something is bugging me about that village fire yesterday." "Really?" she asked, happy for a distraction from her anger. "Yeah, by looking at the remains of that building with the dead guy versus the damage the other houses endured it comes up suspicious in my mind. Why was that guy the only one that died and why was his house was the worst one, and how did the fire spread so quickly to so many houses?" 

Alyssa thought a moment, "Well the darkspawn have their own mages you know that, the fire wasn't necessarily started with a match and lamp oil." He was quiet for a minute, "I suppose you are right about that." He still seemed unsure, and she also felt something nagging at her about the whole situation. "Kerrigan if you still feel something is off you are welcome to send your suspicions to Aiden, he will be investigating the incident further as soon as I send word." "Aye commander, might do that."

Once their conversation was over she noticed others going on behind her and part of her was angry at Kerrigan for breaking the unspoken agreement to be silent. She sighed and rolled her shoulders back, today certainly was going to be interesting. She hadn't seen the King in years, or Denerim for that matter. And now she would have to see both in what she was sure would be a horrible week. 

At least Fergus would be there, she didn't visit Highever nearly as much as she wanted to. Partially because the last year had been so crazy for her as a warden and partially because going to Highever didn't quite feel like going home as much as going to a graveyard. On her few visits there she could never sleep and when she did it was with a knife clenched tightly in one hand under a pillow. Some things you just didn't come back from, and for her that was one of them. She would never feel safe there again.

The rest of the short journey to Denerim was highly uneventful, much to her surprise and delight. When they arrived at the castle they were greeted by someone called the "royal events coordinator" and shown to their wing of guest rooms in the castle. Alyssa was displeased to realize the room she and been given was the same one she had stayed in the nights following the blight. 

Memories began to flood in but she quickly shook her head and looked in the mirror. _Last time you were in this room you made a promise to yourself_ , she thought to herself. _A promise you WILL keep_. Suddenly eager for some fresh air she got out of her traveling clothes and into a simple dress, also letting her hair out of it's bun and tying it back with a matching ribbon. She left her room and traveled up until she climbed outside onto the battlements. She took a breath of relief and walked up to the stone railing. The sun was just starting to hang in the sky and for the first time all day Alyssa felt relaxed.

"Thought I'd find you up here." She sighed, _well that didn't last long_. "Nathaniel." It wasn't the most polite greeting but then again she wasn't feeling in her most polite mood. "I owe you an apology," he said as he leaned on the railing next to her. "Yes, you do." They sat in silence for a time, both just staring out at the city. "Last time I was here there was a parade in my honor." 'Long Live the Hero of Ferelden' they had shouted at her, and she had to smile and wave and pretend like she didn't just have her whole world ripped apart. "Well you had just survived the blight." She scoffed, "Yeah. I survived the massacre of my family. I survived the blight, maybe I'm sick of surviving." She started to walk away and to her surprise Nathaniel followed her. 

For a while they just walked aimlessly, chatting about the city and what events they would be expected to be present at. Before she knew it the sun was almost completely set and they had wandered the grounds of the castle exterior almost completely. She was so engaged in conversation that she almost didn't notice the guard until she was a foot from him. "Sorry miss, there is construction this way you will have to go back. " She looked up to see that the east wall was being heavily worked on. "What's going on here?" "Just some updating to this wall, the queen's people had the whole castle inspected and they decided this wall needed some work. Something about it not being sturdy enough." Well she was certainly wasting no time making herself at home, and renovating said home. "I think you mean future queen," Nathaniel said and Alyssa smiled. "Yes, of course," the guard said as he walked away.

"Naturally the Orlesian wants to alter the castle. Bit pretentious if you ask me, not even officially queen and already demanding major changes to a structure that has withstood countless battles." Alyssa just nodded and turned to walk back the way they came, this was already far more thought then she intended to put towards whatever women Alistair had replaced her with. "Come on, let's go grab something to eat."


End file.
